A Short History of My Pets

I like animals. Really, I do. But I am not your typical animal lover. When I was very young, my brother and I had a dog. It had puppies that we had to give away and when we moved, we had to give the dog away, too. Soon thereafter, we learned that it had broken off of its chain outside of its new house and gotten hit by a car. Ironically, we gave the dog away in the first place because we didn't have a fence at our new house and we didn't want to have her chained up outside.

At our new house, we got a couple of cats. Our cats were always indoor/outdoor cats, meaning that we let them come and go as they please. Our early cats were named Sylvester and Leo. Leo was mine and Sylvester was my brother's. Not long after we got these cats, Leo was hit by a car directly in front of our house. Very disturbing to say the least. As for Sylvester, we out that it was actually a female when it gave birth to four kittens on my bed while I was sleeping on it. That was a neat experience but also quite gross at the same time. Anyway, we kept two of the kittens of that litter. The other two ended up at the SPCA. Those two that we kept were called Smokey and Boots.

Smokey was technically my cat and Boots was my sister Michelle's. When they reached adulthood, they constantly fought and, eventually, Boots left. We only saw him a couple of times after that, but he never really came back to our yard.

A little later in Smokey's life, he came home with an injured tail. When I use the term "injured" that is to say that the bone was clearly visible along three-fourths of his tail. Very gross. So, late that night, we took him to an animal hospital and he came back home in a day or two with a nub instead of a tail. Yes, they had to amputate but he lived a full, long life after that. I'm not totally sure how much that cost but according to my parents it was more expensive than it would've been to simply have the animal destroyed.

During that long, full life that Smokey lived, he sired a little kitten by a stray that we had sort of adopted. (I'm not certain of the kitten's name but I think it may have been Boots II or Boots: Redux.) I can't remember what became of the mother cat, but I am fairly certain she was hit by a car. This "new" Boots was Michelle's. Unfortunately for Boots, he was also an indoor/outdoor cat.

One evening, Michelle spotted a dead cat in the street and, sadly, it was little Boots. She cried and bemoaned the loss of her beloved feline friend and my parents buried it in the back yard. A few days later, the realBoots came trotting back up the house. He wasn't dead after all! This was quite a relief for Michelle which is why it's so sad that when Boots actually washit by a car, he didn't receive a proper burial. His carcass was simply left in the road. I guess everybody had used up all of their grief on the mystery cat that was buried in the back yard.

Through all of these times, my brother and I had hamsters, parakeets, and fish. The most memorable of all of these is the hamster of mine that had babies.

I'd always heard that when an animal has babies, you should never touch or move the babies since doing so could cause the mother to stop feeding her young. I learned the hard way that hamsters don't just stop feeding their young if you move them; they brutally murder them.

My pet hamster had just had about four pink, cute, little babies. However, the hamster cage reeked. I was told by my parents that I had to clean the cage so I cut a piece of cardboard out and used it to gently move the babies out of the way while I cleaned it. After all of the wood chips and other hamster cage paraphernalia were in place, I returned the mother hamster and her young to their little home. Soon afterward, I heard some small, high pitched squeaks. I rushed to my room and, to my horror, watched as the mother hamster picked each and every one of her babies up and gnawed away at their heads until they were dead. I was probably twelve or thirteen at the time, so to say that this was traumatic would be an overstatement. After seeing several of my own cats dead in the street in front of our house, I think it's safe to say that I was very aware of the mortality of animals.

I could go on for about three or four more paragraphs explaining all the circumstances surrounding the demise of my various pets but you get the idea. Animals simply die, but the pets that you love and care about pass away.

Calling In to Work

Yesterday, our daughter was sick, so my wife called in to work. Since she works in an office with more staff than my job, this worked out okay. The only problem is that she doesn't have any sick/vacation time like I do. Today, her mom couldn't watch the kids since she's taking my father-in-law to the hospital. I decided to call in and tell my job that I would at least be coming in late (4 hours late to be exact). Each time I've had to call in, it hasn't been because I was sick. It's been because my wife or kids have been sick. Now, no one at my job has really said anything to me about my using sick time, but I still get the "now what are we supposed to do" vibe.

Isn't it sad that even though my wife's father is in the hospital, our main topic of conversation this morning was babysitting arrangements. If only I could go back to being Mr. Mom again. Those were the days...

Success!

My riding lawn mower is apparently operational again! (See my "I am an Idiot" post). I drained a very unhealthy amount of oil out of the engine directly into the ground in honor of Earth Day. Just kidding.

Anyway, after reaching a fairly "safe" level of oil I fired it up and -big surprise here- it started smoking again. Luckily, the smoking subsided and I was able to start mowing my lawn. Unluckily, however, a thunderstorm, which I thought was just ominous looking, let loose and it started to rain. So I only got about 1/5 of my side yard cut. The front and back still remain at "abandoned house" level. I hope to get the rest done tomorrow.

You have to admit that reading about when and how someone mows their lawn provides endless entertainment. Be sure to read my blog next week as I plan to chronicle how I balance clothes in the washing machine so it doesn't knock violently during the spin cycle.

Phoning It In

I've gotten really bad at updating this blog, so I'm putting this little post up just so I can tell myself that I made another post. No creativity this time. No inventive perspectives on life. Or, maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. Maybe none of those things have ever taken place on this little blog. Oh well, it doesn't matter all that much. The only thing that matters is that I'm taking up a few more kilobytes of space on this blogger server. The next post will have a little more meat. Figuratively speaking of course.

Yearbook of My Life

I need a Yearbook of my life. One that I can pull down off of the shelf, leaf through it, and find a picture of someone I've come across in my life and be able to find out their name. I say this because I was at Best Buy a couple of nights ago and ran into a lady that I used to work with about two years ago. She saw me and immediately said, "Hey, Mike! How are you." I, of course, recognized her as someone I'd worked with at my last job, so I was able to play it off quite well. The only thing that bugged me is that I could not, for the life of me, remember her name. And it's been less than two years since I'd worked with this individual. Despite what may have been appropriate, I decided not to ask her, "What was your name again?" Sadly, this happens a lot to me.

When I'm working at a job and I see the same people day in and day out, I have no problem remembering their names. But, once I slip out of regular contact with someone, I tend to forget their names. I really don't think this is a memory lapse issue more than it is pure laziness. I tend to get lazy when it comes to memorizing names and it's totally unintentional. It isn't that I think some people aren't worthy of entering my permanent mental name archive, it's that I simply don't try hard enough.

Which brings me back to the Yearbook of My Life idea. If I could have discreetly taken a peak at a book like that during the Best Buy incident, I would have been able to address that lady by her name instead of using the generic "Hey, how are you doing?" In the end, I ended up relying on my more reliable "yearbook of life". My wife. Somehow, she can remember stuff like that. Too bad she wasn't there with me so I could have just leaned over and loudly whispered, "What's her name?"

Here are some recent pictures from our backyard. Molly and Caleb swinging on our crooked swing set (seriously - it's very crooked) and that other picture is kind of a bug's eye view. I've always liked pictures with a very different sort of perspective. Anyway, that's that. I was going to post a picture of my now-living fish, but the lighting was all wrong. I'll get that up some other time.

Feeling Like Crap

As the title of this post suggests, I feel like crap. I'm pretty sure I got this cold from my son. The sad part is that it didn't seem to bother him as much as it's bothering me. I'd like to believe that I've got a tougher strain of it.

Anyway, I'm using this program called w.Bloggar to do this post. It's a program that allows you to compose and upload your blog posts without actually going to the "blogger dashboard". I'm not sure what all of the benefits are aside from the fact that the blogger dashboard was acting up when I was using Firefox last week. I was told about it by someone over at the XMG site. I've found out about a lot of cool stuff over there in addition to the fact that I can be beaten badly by almost anyone in any video game.

I have to work this weekend. Yippee. Hopefully we won't be too busy. Don't get me wrong, I want us to have good numbers but the last couple of weekends I've had to work, we've been pretty busy. The good part is that it helps the day go by quickly. Enough whining. I'm getting ready to take my son over to his Nana's house then it's off to work for me. Have a great day.

Nothing Much Going On Here

I haven't had too many crazy events take place in the last couple of days. However, I did receive the new cell phones (which I described more in the post that was never posted) from Cingular, which is quite boring to report, I guess. The only thing that's funny about it is that Federal Express was the carrier and they could not find my house. According to the driver, my address does not exist. This wouldn't be so ridiculous if the same thing hadn't already happened twice before. Right when I found out that FedEx was delivering it, I knew that I would be taking a trip over to my local FedEx building. (And I did, of course.)

It really doesn't make me mad, believe it or not. I find it pretty funny that UPS, Airborne Express, and the U.S. Postal Service can all find my house, but FedEx can't. So, the moral of the story is: Yes, Federal Express has cool uniforms but, please, if you're shipping something to me, use UPS. Thanks.

I Am an Idiot

I rolled my riding lawn mower out of the garage today and decided to actually change the oil, oil filter, and spark plug before using it. I bought all of these items last year but I never did the maintenance. Anyway, I drained the oil, changed the oil filter and spark plug, and added the new oil. A part of me thought, "Is that too much oil? Nah. It'll be fine." I couldn't have been more wrong.

I casually put the key into the ignition and turned. Since I had not started it all winter, I had to use the choke. No big deal. However, when the engine roared into action, white smoke started to billow out of the front. At first I thought it was just burning off excess oil. Then I noticed that the garage (which was wide open and which the mower was facing) was completely filled with smoke. Still, I assumed that the smoke would die down. Finally, when I realized that I literally couldn't see anything except for the smoke, I shut the engine off.

I waved in vain at the smoke and walked around to the front of the lawn mower. I could see plainly where the oil was dripping from the manifold (at least that's what I think it's called) then I saw that oil had sprayed all over the floor of my garage and against the side my clothes dryer. Needless to say, I was extremely upset. At myself. And the worst part is that I'm fairly certain that I overfilled the engine with oil. How terribly idiotic.

Now for more evidence supporting my state of idiocy. I had to cut my grass using my old push mower. That's not the worst part. This lawn mower only has three wheels and has remained in this state of disability for the past 2 years. My rationalization behind this is that I only use it to mow my ditch (when the riding lawn mower is working) so why fix it? But, wait, that's not the worst part either. The worst part of it all is that the push mower does not start in the conventional way. Sure, it's a pull string but the string does not recoil back due to the fact that I ran over a brick with this poor machine about 2 years ago.

So how do I draw the string back? Well, initially I would abuse my fingers by painfully hand-winding the string back down into the compartment above the engine. Then, last year, it hit me: why waste all that time winding with my fingers when all I have to do is lift up the lawn mower and draw the string in by [gasp!] turning the actual blades with my right hand? I'm very aware of the danger this poses me, but I feel pretty confident. After all, I'm left handed and, as I stated above, I always maneuver the blades with my right hand. So, no need to worry, right?

The reason I posting all of this is to pose this question: Is this example of my combined carelessness, procastination, and sense of invincibility a metaphor for my whole life? There are so many times that I wait too long to do some important task (ask me about my car(s)) due to the fact that I consider actually doing said task to be much more inconvenient that whatever consequences await me when I do nothing at all. Then there's the sense of invincibilty thing... to be honest, that was for comic relief. I am very aware of my own mortality which begs the question: Why do I still insist on turning the blades of my lawn mower with a full tank of gas? Well, from this day forward, I will disconnect the spark plug wire when I do that. I promise. Baby steps...

It's Friday

No, I'm not going to go into one of those "TGIF!! Life is worth living again! I hate Monday through Thursday!!" tangents. No, I'm not one of those people. At least, I don't think I am. I mean, I do enjoy Fridays, but not nearly as much when I have to work on the weekend. When that happens, my Friday typically is Sunday since I'm usually off on Mondays following a weekend that I work.

Therefore, I propose that Friday, as it is treated in our culture, is relative. The term "weekend", or more accurately, the feeling of "the weekend", is directly related to the current schedule of one entering said weekend. But I digress. I think... I wasn't actually getting at anything. I just felt like filling an empty space. Sorry. What a let down this must be for you! My apologies.

One last thing: I don't know if you ever read any of the stories at The Onion but I find some of their stuff hilarious. But be warned, I've also found some stuff can get pretty raunchy so surf with care. Anyway, you can skip all that and read their horoscope from last week. Some pretty funny stuff. Check it out right here.

My Lost Post

I wrote this long essay on what happened with my cell phone trade in. It was all quite boring but I did spend about 10 minutes typing it. So, why is that when I click "Publish Post" I get the error message: "Document Contains No Data" in Firefox. It's been working fine in Firefox but now I'm having to use crappy old Internet Explorer. Yuck. Oh well. Just know that I am sticking with Cingular and I will not have to keep my cruddy phone. Later. (If this post goes through)

This is Abe Vigoda. Say hello to Abe. They say it will bring you good luck... 

My kids saw me shaving and they were just dying to try some shaving cream. Yes, I used my razor to remove it. They did pretty well, although they both are growing some serious stubble now. They grow up so fast, don't they?

I was mainly interested tonight in adding a picture to my blog. It took me quite a while to figure out how to get my ugly mug in my profile but, believe it or not, posting pictures to your blog with Picasa is very easy! Don't I sound like an advertisement?

One last thing: I'm going to reveal something right now that will officially make me a HUGE nerd. I downloaded the third book in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series to my PDA instead of buying the paperback version. That's right, not only am I reading a science fiction novel, I am reading it on a PDA. Nerd Alert! (If you haven't read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, you should. Hilarious stuff!) Oh, and don't worry about the little symbol at the end of my post. It's just the Picasa icon showing that I'm not cool enough to post pictures using regular HTML on my own. Well... BYE!

I Fell.

I fell at work today. Outside. In a parking lot. It hurt. Does this mean that I'm getting old? Will most of my conversation starters be: "Well, I had a fall yesterday. Not too serious, but now I have some disgusting looking purplish bruises mixed with age spots to show off to people. Here, see? Doesn't that make you want to vomit?" I've always known that someday, all my wife and I would talk about would be our health, doctors' appointments, etc. But I had no idea that it would start so soon. Sad.

Why Is Swiper So Mean?

Dora and Boots were minding their business walking down the path by the forest. Those boots belong to Boots, Swiper! Luckily, Swiper's music started, alerting the innocent travelers to the fox's presence. Dora and Boots were able to dissuade Swiper from his nefarious plan of thievery simply by commanding him not to steal. Crushed, Swiper trudged back into the shadowy forest. Phew! That was a close one.

Let Me Explain

The previous post that went on and on about zombie prevention at a cemetery should not cause you to have any presumptions about me. I'm not a big horror movie fan, it's just that I've had this idea about a commercial for a cemetery whose main attraction is its anti-zombie capabilities. For some reason, I think that when extrordinary things are dealt with in ordinary ways, it is hilarious. If you don't feel the same way, I understand. Sort of. Have a great night!

A Message from Meadowlark Memorial Gardens (advertisement)

Meadowlark memorial gardens knows that the final resting place for you & your loved ones is a very important decision. We would just like you to know that we are very proud of our tradition of caretaking. The Memorial Gardens lay over a sprawling meadow surrounded by a beautiful forest. Our staff is very conscientious and highly professional.

In addition to all of this, we also boast the area's first, fully realized Zombie Containment System, or ZCS. Our security team is highly trained in the art of stopping the slow, steady march of the Army of Darkness. In the unlikely event of someone summoning a legion of the undead, whether intentionally -such as someone who foolishly believes that in doing so he or she will be able to bend the zombies' collective will with the promise of being able to feast on the brains of the living after world domination- or unintentionally- such as curious school children that stumble upon a mysterious ancient book and make the mistake of reading it aloud- our security team will swing into action.

Phase one of our defense is our Automatic Grave Blockade, or AGB, which is basically a gate made of reinforced steel. Individual AGB's will deploy and cover every grave in the Gardens when the first undead hand shoots out of the ground. However, due to the uncertain behavior of the undead, it is remotely possible that some, or even all, of the rising dead could pull apart the gates with their otherworldly strength. In such a case, the Meadowlark Memorial Gardens Zombie Task Force will spring into action with a higly inventive solution.

Let's face it: Zombies, despite their supposed super-strength and hunger for human brains, are extremely clumsy. According to our research (which involved countless hours poring over every zombie movie ever made), zombies are prone to tripping. This is the precise reason that, during phase two of zombie containment, a large moat-like trench (known here at the Gardens as the "Ditch of the Undead") that is normally safely covered by underground metal shutters and encircles the entire Memorial Gardens, will open up, trapping the entire stumbling, brainthirsty army within the belly of the earth.

The third and final phase of our Zombie Containment System is one that we do not honestly believe we will ever have to use. It is possible, however unlikely, that your undead loved ones could breach the AGB's. As mentioned above, however they would shortly thereafter fall like ragdolls into our Ditch of the Undead. If, in the highly unlikely event, the zombie throng pulls itself, scratching and moaning out of the Ditch, our Zombie Security Assault Taskforce will be lining the entire perimeter of the Memorial Gardens. Each of the Taskforce members will be spaced exactly nine feet apart and will be armed with shotguns and grenades (also chainsaws will be within arms length in the event that the zombies get too close). As mentioned above, our Taskforce members are trained in the art of stopping the undead.

We are very aware that the prospect of your undead loved ones being decapitated and/or dismembered by shotgun blasts or gruesome flesh grinding chainsaw slashes is very upsetting. Just be reminded that this final defense form is very, very unlikely. But, just consider the alternative. Your loved ones, in zombie form, trudging the streets at night seeking to satiate their uncrollable hunger for human brains. Wouldn't you rather remember your late grandmother, uncle, or brother for their wonderful lives instead of a rotting, puppetlike monster?

So, if you're searching for the right final earthly resting place for you and your family, please consider the Meadowlark Memorial Gardens where resting in peace is strictly enforced.

Quick Review

Tonight I played a little bit of the Splinter Cell:Chaos Theory co-op component. Co-op is basically two people moving through campaign style missions. I'd never done it before tonight. Anyway, I joined a game session with a guy on my XBL friends list. Lucky for me, he was very patient. He was very understanding, even when I walked my spy right in front of a camera a couple of times, setting the alarms off. It was still pretty fun. Especially seeing the moves that were created specifically for the co-op mode. I can't think of what those names are right now, since I'm too sleepy to try to even describe them.

The only downside to this is that while playing a co-op game on Xbox Live, I feel compelled to stick it out with the other person since there's only two of us. On the upside, you can save at any point and restart later on with the same person. I'm not too sure if the guy I played with tonight will want to continue or not, since I basically suck. But that's okay. I'm sure I'll find some other person that is at least as bad as me or maybe even marginally better.

I'm rambling. This really turned out to be less of a review and more of a huge mistake. I knew that I shouldn't have posted anything tonight since it's way too late. I'm sorry that I wasted your time. I must go to bed. Sleeping would be a very good thing right now. Hmmm. I think that's where I'll go. To bed.