A Message from Meadowlark Memorial Gardens (advertisement)

Meadowlark memorial gardens knows that the final resting place for you & your loved ones is a very important decision. We would just like you to know that we are very proud of our tradition of caretaking. The Memorial Gardens lay over a sprawling meadow surrounded by a beautiful forest. Our staff is very conscientious and highly professional.

In addition to all of this, we also boast the area's first, fully realized Zombie Containment System, or ZCS. Our security team is highly trained in the art of stopping the slow, steady march of the Army of Darkness. In the unlikely event of someone summoning a legion of the undead, whether intentionally -such as someone who foolishly believes that in doing so he or she will be able to bend the zombies' collective will with the promise of being able to feast on the brains of the living after world domination- or unintentionally- such as curious school children that stumble upon a mysterious ancient book and make the mistake of reading it aloud- our security team will swing into action.

Phase one of our defense is our Automatic Grave Blockade, or AGB, which is basically a gate made of reinforced steel. Individual AGB's will deploy and cover every grave in the Gardens when the first undead hand shoots out of the ground. However, due to the uncertain behavior of the undead, it is remotely possible that some, or even all, of the rising dead could pull apart the gates with their otherworldly strength. In such a case, the Meadowlark Memorial Gardens Zombie Task Force will spring into action with a higly inventive solution.

Let's face it: Zombies, despite their supposed super-strength and hunger for human brains, are extremely clumsy. According to our research (which involved countless hours poring over every zombie movie ever made), zombies are prone to tripping. This is the precise reason that, during phase two of zombie containment, a large moat-like trench (known here at the Gardens as the "Ditch of the Undead") that is normally safely covered by underground metal shutters and encircles the entire Memorial Gardens, will open up, trapping the entire stumbling, brainthirsty army within the belly of the earth.

The third and final phase of our Zombie Containment System is one that we do not honestly believe we will ever have to use. It is possible, however unlikely, that your undead loved ones could breach the AGB's. As mentioned above, however they would shortly thereafter fall like ragdolls into our Ditch of the Undead. If, in the highly unlikely event, the zombie throng pulls itself, scratching and moaning out of the Ditch, our Zombie Security Assault Taskforce will be lining the entire perimeter of the Memorial Gardens. Each of the Taskforce members will be spaced exactly nine feet apart and will be armed with shotguns and grenades (also chainsaws will be within arms length in the event that the zombies get too close). As mentioned above, our Taskforce members are trained in the art of stopping the undead.

We are very aware that the prospect of your undead loved ones being decapitated and/or dismembered by shotgun blasts or gruesome flesh grinding chainsaw slashes is very upsetting. Just be reminded that this final defense form is very, very unlikely. But, just consider the alternative. Your loved ones, in zombie form, trudging the streets at night seeking to satiate their uncrollable hunger for human brains. Wouldn't you rather remember your late grandmother, uncle, or brother for their wonderful lives instead of a rotting, puppetlike monster?

So, if you're searching for the right final earthly resting place for you and your family, please consider the Meadowlark Memorial Gardens where resting in peace is strictly enforced.